What You Didn't See
by stardustcrazy
Summary: Ever wonder what happens off screen, or paper? Ever wonder what your favorite characters do in their spare time from -Naruto-? Well wonder no more! Because now you get to read it.  T for language
1. Chapter 1: Bloodlines

A/N: Oh, joy! Another one of those shit-tastic fanfictions! Hrm, I can't write fanfiction without it sounding horribly cheesy/mary-sue-plot-ish so how about some horrible attempt at comedy? OH JOY! Now let's see, let's see, what helpless fandom will be my victim of story rape today? How about that much beloved anime _Naruto? _Yes, I do believe that will do! Now we need a plot, don't we? Naaaaah, I'll just wing it and see how it turns out!

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Warning: _WILL_ contain OOC dialogue/actions, randomness, and extreme stupidity.

Disclaimer: I do not own _Naruto_ nor the likeness of any characters unless I decide to randomly insert an OC of some sort... or myself.

Chapter One: Bloodlines

Neji sat there eating his candy when he saw Sasuke glaring at him, "what do you want, Uchiha?"

To which Sasuke responded with the signature emo grunt, "hn."

"Insightful." Neji tried to ignore his penetrating gaze, keeping his attention on chewing his candy, but it was if the sullen boy's stare was stabbing his nerves. "What do you _want_?" He demanded.

Sasuke stood up suddenly and leaned in, "my bloodline's eyes are better than yours," he taunted.

Neji raised an eyebrow, "excuse me?"

"Did. I. Stutter?" Sasuke stabbed, "I _said_, 'my bloodline's eyes are better than yours.'"

Neji stood up, "and where do you get this conclusion?"

"Well first off, byakugan just looks creepy, like you have some sort of ocular disease or something, it's unnatural looking."

"And I suppose sharingan's perfectly normal looking?" Neji scoffed, "it's like you've got a bad case of pink eye!" He challenged, "besides, with byakugan I've got 360 degree sight _and _I can see through anything!"

"Ha! So what? _My _eyes can see through attacks and drive you _insane_," he jabbed Neji's chest with his finger as if to punctuate his words.

Neji threw Sasuke's hand down, "what use is your sharingan, then? I'd go crazy just by the sound of your voice!" He said, shoving the Uchiha.

"Well my past is tragic!"

"I can't change my destiny!"

"My brother killed my family!"

"I must serve my clan!"

"I _HAVE _NO CLAN 'CEPT MY _BROTHER _WHO FRIGGIN'_ KILLED _EVERYONE ELSE!"

Neji was silent for a moment and then he muttered, "at least I'm not the biggest douche bag to ever walk the Earth," and walked off.

Sasuke stood there, dumbfounded. "...Bitch."

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End of chapter one. That wasn't so bad was it? _"Yes it was..." _Shhhh.

You don't have to review this shit, but hey, do as you please.


	2. Chapter 2: Gaara's a Star

A/N: Oh look, it's that odd girl again, Seamus! _Who the hell is Seamus...? _It's whoever you want it to be. *suggestive wink* _Oh... okay then. I'm __going to__ go... now... forever. *runs off* _Pfft, wuss. Anyways, time for another chapter of random crap with absolutely _no plot whatsoever_! Enjoy!

Warning: _WILL_ contain OOC dialogue/actions, randomness, and extreme stupidity.

Disclaimer: I do not own _Naruto_ nor the likeness of any characters unless I decide to randomly insert an OC of some sort... or myself.

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Chapter Two: Gaara's a Star

Gaara sat in his room, alone- as he had grown accoustumed to, accompanied only by his own insane thoughts, ricocheting off of the walls of his mind. He sighed, staring at a fragmented crack in the wall, following the lines with his eyes until they met their ends. He listened as the clock ticked quietly in the background, as a sort of rhythm entered his mind.

"I wonder..." he thought. He got out of his seat and peered out his door, searching for any sign of someone being near. When he was quite sure no one would disturb him, he murmured under his breath, "Gaara, Gaara, unloved Gaara. Gaara, Gaara, unloved Gaara."

Oh, but how sneaky fan girls can be.

"Kya!" Shouted Junita.

Gaara was a bit taken a back, "who the hell are you and how'd you get in my house?" He demanded.

To which Junita replied, "fan girls... we have our ways," nudging him with a pencil for some inexplicable reason.

He got that 'yeah-I'mma-kill-you-now' look in his (pretty) eyes.

"If you kill me, your teddy bear will blow up," Junita said calmly.

Alarmed, he thought, "no, not mister snuggles!"

"C'mon! Keep singing, you have a smexy voice!" She pushed.

Gaara blinked, wearing a blatant 'wtf'-face.

"I guess Snuggles will have to d-"

"Gaara, Gaara! Unloved Gaara!"

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A/N: Well... that kind of... went no where. Mer. If you don't get this, watch "The Mysterious Ticking Noise" on YouTube. Review and shit...


	3. Chapter 3: Naruto is Totally GOFFIK

A/N: So as you might have guessed by now, I have no life and this is what I do to fill up the time not spent socializing. What you're reading is fueled by pure boredom, people! ENJOY!

Warning: _WILL_ contain OOC dialogue/actions, randomness, and extreme stupidity.

Disclaimer: I do not own _Naruto_ nor the likeness of any characters unless I decide to randomly insert an OC of some sort... or myself.

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Chapter Three: Naruto is Totally GOFFIK

READER BEWARE: Contains super sexy goffness, not appropriate for the squemish (or those who would like to keep all their brain cells.)

Naruto sat on his bed crying tearz of blood his blue eyes lik limpid poolz of water shimmering w/ sadness nd evil, he coldnt believee Saskay was cheatg on hem wit Gara .. he felt deprezed then,, so he cut hes wriistz and scked on the blood cuz he wuz a vampyre. But den his wriistz were all blody so he took of hes clots and chnged in2 a floor length kimono w. blck croset stff al over the frnt and pink lace on it (nd shadup luts ov kewl guiz wear gurlz clthes its caled cosday nd ets so bishie kawai desuuu!1) He got in2 the battub but wen he loked outside the windw he saw... EROOKA AND CACASHE!11122!

Iruca was standing on Kakashes shoukders video tapng Naruot and Cockashe wuz MASTICATING!1111 "OMG WTF?" Naurto shrieked n pulled out his gun using justu and shot dem. Then some1 came rubbing in. He had long black hair, yellow eyes like a snakess and weird makeup on (basically like Oroshimaro in the show)) it was... ORUCHIMARUU!

"Thou art a fool, Naurto! Thou can not defeat me! Saskay's bode will be MINE!"

But then, suddenly... a girl with short black hair stepped in and said, "this story is shit," and promptly nuked the bitches.

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A/N: Oh god, that actually _hurt _to type. If you haven't read the lawlfest that is "My Immortal" Google it RIGHT NOW or you won't get any of this, such as why I randomly turned into a goff noob rather than my normal noob form. Also, it's kind of a tribute to dear, silly, silly Tara. Poor girl. P: Review, I guess?


	4. Chapter 4: Hidan's a Naughty Boy

A/N: Contains "sexual themes" I guess? Not really... no sex happens. I know right? Disappointment. But, alas, I do not write ze smut. So... yeah, enjoy.

Warning: May _WILL_ contain OOC dialogue/actions, randomness, and extreme stupidity.

Disclaimer: I do not own _Naruto_ nor the likeness of any characters unless I decide to randomly insert an OC of some sort... or myself.

Chapter Four: Hidan's a Naughty Boy

Itachi sat there, glaring at Hidan, because that's what Uchihas do-glare. Hidan smirked back in his usual taunting way, "cat got your tongue, _sempai_?"

It was all Itachi could do to keep his cool, yet he seemed to have acquired a slight eye twitch.

Hidan stuck his tongue out at the Uchiha.

"Hidan," Itachi said in a low voice, trying to keep his tone even.

"Yes, Itachi-_san?_"

Itachi huffed, "it is not acceptable to take pictures of me when I am not aware, and then sell them on... what do you call it?" He thought for a moment, "iBay!"

Hidan scoffed, " I believe you mean "'eBay' Itachi-_san_." He taunted, putting a little bit too much emphasise on his honorific, "and, I don't know what you're talking about."

Itachi's eye twitched again as he pulled out his evidence, he held a few pictures up, "did you, or did you not, take pictures of me... _in the shower?_" His voice picked up a bit, his anger showing slightly in his tone of voice.

"Oooooooh! _Those _pictures!" Hidan said in mock realization, answered by another twitch of the Uchiha's eye, "now, now, Itachi, calm yourself! I was only doing it for the Akatsuki!"

"And _how,_ may I ask, does selling incriminating photos of me in... vulnerable positions help the Akatsuki?" He demanded, losing patience.

"Well, _sempai, _those pictures are worth a lot to crazy fan girls... or fan guys!"

"How many... did you sell...?"

"Hrm..." he vocalized, making a show off counting on his fingers, "about a hundred... give or take."

"One... hundred?"

"W-_ell... _not all of them are of you. I've got Deidara, _Konan- _wink, wink, star, star, slash, slash, Pein, Sasori, I... hell, some people even requested pictures of Tobi, Kakazu, Sharkboy and Aloe Vera over there."

Until then the rest of the Akatsuki had been snickering at the raven haired Uchiha, but now they all seemed to have the same mixture of embarrassment and anger on their faces.

"_Aloe Vera?_"

"_Sharkboy?"_

"...I get a cut of the cash, right?"

"Yea! People like Tobi!"

"Wh-what? You're kidding, un!"

"...But I don't even have a proper body for you take a picture of."

"WHAT?" Shrieked Konan, "you _pervert!_" She went running at him.

Hidan simply dodged it and held his scythe in front of him, "ah ah ah, little girl. Besides, it's not so bad!" He smirked, walking over to Pein, "I bet you'd like to buy a couple of those photos with Konan, wouldn't you?"

Pein's eyes widened, "n-no," he mumbled.

Konan blushed furiously, "AH!"

Hidan shrugged apathetically, "true, I guess when you can see it in real time, you wouldn't need pictures."

"I'll. Kill. You." Pein seethed.

A/N: Y'know, I was thinking of branching this off into a separate fanfic, "Akatsuki Chronicles: The Unrated, Untold Tales" or something equally catchy. Meh, review and rate and all that crap... bye bye.


	5. Chapter 5: Oh Jasin

_**A/N: Uh, *cough* well, everyone loves to see girly boys crossdress, right? Right! But you know what's even better? Reading about it, bitch! Y'know what's better than stu- I mean awesome girly boy fanfics? FREAKING AUTHOR INSERTION, HO! Yeah, enjoy the shit.**_

Warning: _WILL_ contain OOC dialogue/actions, randomness, and extreme stupidity.

Disclaimer: I do not own _Naruto_ nor the likeness of any characters unless I decide to randomly insert an OC of some sort... or myself.

Chapter Five: Oh _Jashin_, What _Are _You Wearing?

"Gaaaaaraaaaaa-chaaaaaaaan!"

_"Oh _god_, that voice," _Gaara muttered to himself, _"that effing _voice_."_

Junita knocked on the door, really for no reason, she just went storming in anyways with a stupid grin on her face. "Gaaaaaara-kun!"

Gaara groaned, pulling the blankets over his head, "_what," _he snapped.

"I have a favor to ask of you..."

"No."

"Whaddaya mean _'no'?" _She demanded, crossing her arms across her chest, "you don't even know what I was going to ask!"

"No," he threw the blankets off of himself, obviously he would not be going back to sleep anytime soon, "but I know whatever it is, it will probably either end up with me hurting or embarassing myself."

She frowned, "you're so _mean, _I thought you loved me!"

"No," he sighed, "that's just you being the fangirl that you are deep down inside, convincing yourself that a fictional character has fallen into love with you, when really that isn't even logically possible, and even if it were _I _would never be with _you." _

_**A/N: HEY. WAIT. NO. NO. This is my effing fanfic, dammit! I'm the author and I will write whatever the hell I please! Screw logic! Screw reality! *rewrites***_

"I'm sorry," he sighed, "I get cranky when I haven't slept. Now what was it you were going to ask me?"

_**A/N: THAT'S MORE LIKE IT, **_**WHORE!**

"Well... I was just wondering if maybe... since you love me and everything..."

"JUST SPIT IT OUT, BITCH!"

_**A/N: WHAT THE HELL DID I JUST SAY?**_

"Yes?" He questioned, smiling in a fond way at how adorable she was being.

Blushing- she spat out, "willyoudressupasagirlforme?"

He stared at her, blinking in shock, "did you just ask me... to dress up as a girl?"

"Kinda, yeah."

~Ten Minutes Later~

"The bastard threw me out of his house!"

_**A/N: Yeah... sorry 'bout that.**_

"You're the effing author! You could have made him comply!"

_**A/N: Yeah... I could. But I kind of... can't. *quick glance at the scary fangirls* **_

"You're pitiful."

_**A/N: I'M YOU, YOU TWAT!**_

"We're insane... aren't we?"

_**A/N: I think the fact that w- I just refered to myself as "we" is proof enough that I should never do drugs... god knows what would happen.**_

Junita muttered to herself about Gaara's pigheaded stupidity, when an idea popped into her head, _"hn... the Akatsuki is full of lots of pretty boys... I wonder, I wonder..." _So on she went to the Akatsuki hideout which, for some unknown reason- she knew the exact location of and wouldn't be killed as soon as she stepped foot in it.

~Inside the Akatsuki Hideout~

"Junita's here, un."

"_Really, _Deidara? Is she _really? _I thought it was friggin' Sasuke!"

"Shut up Sasori, or I'll stick a kunai up your ass!"

"I'd like to see you try you fu-"

"A_hem,_" Junita interrupted the two's quibble, "I hope I'm not interrupting your little lover's quarrel, but I need to speak to Dede, you can stay if you want, Sasori."

"..._Lover's quarrel? _The hell'd you get that stupi-"

"Shut up, Sasori! Junita wants to talk to me about something, un."

"I need you to dressup as a girl."

"…"

"Your vast knowledge and way with words is just astounding, Dede, really."

"No. Effing. Way… Un."

"May I remind you, Dede, what you did at the last party? Or _who? _May I remind you that I _know where you live, _which means, I could tell _fangirls _where you l-"

~20 mins later~

"Kyaaaaaaaaaa, you look so pretty Dede!" Junita squealed.

"I hate you, you bitch." He came stomping out of his room, wearing a very lovely maid's outfit, "I hate you with every fiber of my being, even my hair cells hate you. That's how much I hate you, you manipulative bitch."

"Oh hush," she waved her hand dismissively.

Just then, for some unexplainable reason, Gaara came walking in!

"Dei-… _Deidara?" _He squinted, "…I was killed by an effing tranny."

Deidara turned once again to Junita, "I hate you. You bitch."

"I know," she smiled wickedly.

"Oh my Jashin," Hidan exclaimed, "who's the sexy bitch, Junita? Is she a friend of yours, because I'd love to make her _my _friend." He strolled toward Deidara, smiling flirtingly, "hello, hot stuff."

Deidara, obviously pissed by now snapped, "I'm sorry Hidan, you're not my type."

Hidan's mouth was agape for a moment, speechless until finally, "WHAT THE %$#&ING #$%? WHAT THE %$* ARE YOU DOING IN A GOD DAMN DRESS? WHAT THE #$% IS WRONG WITH YOU?"

"Junita is a psychopath."

"Junita…? Junita, can't even do a push up without hitting her head Junita?"

"I have my ways."

Tobi ran in excitedly, waving a teddy bear when he caught sight of Deidara, "Ooooh! Tobi thinks Deidara looks pretty! So kawaii!"

"I hate you, you bitch."

_**A/N: Well **_**that **_**was painful. Four pages of crap, this is. Ah, well. It's your own fault for reading it. I warned you, you didn't listen. But, I digress... rate and review the shit, svp. I'd appreciate it! **_

_**PS: This was originally written in a "Script form" (Because I'm a lazy bitch who even looks for ways to shortcut writing shit). Unfortunately, as I just found out- that is not allowed here on Fanfiction. Bummer. Anyways, toodle loo!**_


	6. Chapter 6: Love is Shittastic PtI

_**A/N: Do you like rants? I know I do! And we know **_**everyone **_**loves pairing characters off! But y'know what? The characters aren't too fond of it- so I'm giving them a chance to rant about **_**ridiculous **_**pairings! (And I'll get my chance too. :3)**_

Warning: _WILL_ contain OOC dialogue, actions, randomness, and extreme stupidity.

Disclaimer: I do not own _Naruto_ nor the likeness of any characters unless I decide to randomly insert an OC of some sort... or myself.

Chapter Six: Love is a Shit-tastic Thing: Part One

"Go on, get on with it, Naruto!"

"I don't want to though! I haven't even had ay ramen in the past five minutes,'ttebayo!"

Junita snarled, "I swear to Jashin, Naruto. If you don't start talking to these nice people right now I'll tell everyone what you _really _did during the three year time skip!"

"Hello everyone! The name's Uzumaki Naruto, and I've been forc-"

Junita glared at him, "time skip," she mouthed.

"Given the _chance _to let out those pent up feelings about the ridiculous pairings you people have put me in." He took a quick side glance and saw Junita holding up a sign, "TIME SKIP."

"Uh," he stammered, "a-anyways, I really think you people are out of line. I mean, Hinata? Really? I know, I know, she's adorable and shy and has all that inner strength crap that you people tend to eat up like an Asian kid eats rice, and she's 'loved' me for so long and it'd be cruel for us not to end up together... but really? I mean, we haven't talked to each other in I don't know _how _many chapters and I barely know the chick when it comes right down to it!"

"N-Naruto-kun... you don't... you don't like me?"

"_Hell. No. _I'm sorry, Hinata, but I don't like you as anything more than a fr-"

"NO. NO. NO. What the _hell _is this? _NO._"

"Oh shit, it's Gigi." Junita groaned, face palming.

"Don't you know that you two are _meant to be?__"_She screamed, shaking Naruto by the shoulders.

"What do you mean, 'meant to be'?" Junita demanded, "they're polar opposites!"

"Exactly, they bal-"

"No! No! Do not start with that 'they balance each other out' crap! Opposites do not _always _attract!"

"Yeah but she almost killed herself for him and he was so upset! The lurve rays are freakin' glowing off of them!"

"HE'S FREAKING NARUTO. The most compassionate ninja in the whole freakin' universe! If he killed an effing lady bug he'd probably cry and do a nice little speech about how strong they were! Just because you care for someone does _not _mean they're in love!"

"Yeah but-"

"No! Screw you, this is my fanfiction, screw off!" With these words Gigi magically poofed into thin air.

Naruto and Hinata stared at each other for a long time, "uh... yeah, what she said... sorry."

"...Screw it, Kiba's hotter anyways."

"Uh."

"Finish your damn rant, Naruto!"

"Okay, 'ttebayo."

"I hate that catch phrase."

"Another thing! Why do you people pair me off with every freakin' female on the god damn show? Not to mention _guys! _Just because I had one effing kiss- _which_ was an accident, does not mean I crave man meat! I. Am. STRAIGHT. Seriously, freakin' Temari? When was the last time I even spoke to her? And Itachi? _Itachi? REALLY? _Or any _other _member of the Akatsuki and their parents! Yeah, yeah, it exists! Freaking *insert name of Itachi and Sasuke's mom that I forgot* and me! Hate to break it to you guys, _but she died._ _SHE. DIED.__"_

"Which was sad 'cuz she was nice..."

Naruto turned on her, "you, shut up. I'm ranting. 'Ttebayo."

"Pfft."

"You'd think I'd be safe from incest, right? What with me being an orphan and all? Hell no! You people manage to combine incest and necrophilia into one big cluster#$%! Nothing is sacred to you people! Nothing! Kakashi, Jiraiya, Tsunade, GRANNY FREAKING CHIYO. Name a character, I've been paired with them! Screw you guys! Naruto, out, 'ttebayo!"

"Hey no! Ah! Fine, there are lots of other people to f- give an opportunity to vent!"

_**A/N: Yes, it**__**'**__**s finished... for now. Muahahahahaha! Read all the parts, there**__**'**__**s sure to be plenty of them. :D**_


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